Balance

I've tried to post several times over the past couple weeks, but every time I started writing I felt like I was coming across as a whiny cry baby and deleted what I'd put down. The past couple weeks have been hard. It hasn't been any one thing, but Life has just been so busy.

I think that anytime there's a big change when little kids are involved there is a delay in adjusting, and the honeymoon is over around here and now our older two are acting out and we've had to break out the good ol' sticker chart again. At the same time, I had mastitis, which I've had with every baby, and it wiped me out for a good 4 days, during which things were so busy I saw Derek in passing for about 20 minutes each day. I was also trying to figure out Chase's tummy troubles, and that became slightly all consuming and stressful, but I've got it figured out now... I think.

I've had my own delay in realizing that I have 3 children now. It scares me sometimes. There was a carnival at Bryce's school last weekend that I took the kids to. What was I thinking??? Had my neighbors not been there to help me, we would have had to just pack up and leave because I couldn't manage or keep track of all three by myself. It made me panic a little because right now my saving grace is that Bryce is in school during the day, but that ends soon, and I'm not ready. It seems my hands are always busy meeting Chase's needs, and I don't know how to do it all.

After talking to Derek one night I realized what has really been the problem though. It's not ornery kids, being sick or not having any time to ourselves, it's that we've lost the balance in our lives. Derek is so busy at work, and when he comes home our "big boys" demand his attention and he feels like he doesn't have enough time to give anything the attention it deserves. I am tied up with Chase all day long and am just trying to fit in the day to day duties of running our home. I feel like I'm on survival mode. There are nights I don't want to go to bed because I know I have to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow, and the idea exhausts me. I know this is just a season of our lives now and that things will get easier, especially once Chase is older and not so dependant on me, but right now it's hard.

I practice balancing exercises with my Pilate's class and I have them find a focal point during the exercise to help them steady themselves. I've been asking myself, "What is my focus right now and where should it really be?" I've also realized that something's gotta give. But how do I choose between all good things? My family should be, and is, my focus but, sadly, lately I think Derek and I have focused so much on meeting the needs of our children we are failing to meet the needs in our relationship. That is not a sacrifice I am willing to make. It makes me wonder how people have more children, because 3 is obviously more than I can successfully manage. See what I mean about sounding like a whiny cry baby. So we're in an adjustment period right now. Things are still good, just chaotic, but it's temporary and I know that with prayer and by focusing on what we want for our family we'll figure it out and find that happy balance again.